


so into you, i cannot breathe

by mirkwood131



Series: EXO Central [47]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Byun Baekhyun & Do Kyungsoo | D.O Friendship, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Kissing, Love Letters, M/M, Mystery, Romance, Secret Admirer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 05:21:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16906896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirkwood131/pseuds/mirkwood131
Summary: Baekhyun finds love notes from a stranger in the books that he borrows. Is it only a coincidence or does he actually have a secret admirer?





	so into you, i cannot breathe

**Author's Note:**

> baekhyun song playlist from this story:  
> \- [ love of my life-queen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUJkCXE4sAA)  
> \- [ cater 2 u ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juqws1LIH-I)  
> \- [ into you-ariana grande ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ekZEVeXwek)  
> \- [ gravity-exo ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prFir9hRSxU)
> 
> i'm not certain there is much plot in this fic, but i wanted to experiment with the idea of two people slowly going from a friendship to a romantic relationship without much effort from any of them.  
> anyways, hope you'll enjoy:)

Baekhyun dropped the book on the floor. He bent down, looking up, from between the strands of hair that fell over his face, at the woman staring right at him, herself holding a book.

His fingers clutched around it and, without glancing one more time at the shelf, he walked towards the front desk; brown, as a big coffee splotch, with scratches all over it, some even turning into short words. _Dick._ _Suck it. Love you, baby._

He laughed, reading the last one as the librarian raised her eyebrows.

“Sorry. It’s just…” he said and shrugged, giving her the book. “Gloomy day, huh?”

Baekhyun placed both hands in the pockets of his jeans, shifting from one foot to another.

_Amy, you are my soulmate._

He laughed again.

“Am I amusing you?” the woman asked.

“Nonononono. I was reading what was written on the desk. You should do it sometime, quite funny stuff. Or not…” he said, grabbing the book from her.

The door didn’t want to open. He pushed it, at first with one hand, and then with both, leaning with all his weight on it. Suddenly, it slid open and he burst outside, like the liquid of a bottle of juice that had been shaken.

“Damn it…this day is testing my patience.” he whispered.

 

The seat cushion was hard, stained by hundreds of other people butts that had sat on it, leaving it scattered with spots of diverse colors. It even smelled like hairy asses, if they had a particular scent attributed to them. Baekhyun shifted on it and opened it. The pages fell down one after another until they stopped, somewhere in the middle, where, right between two pages, there was a white, folded piece of paper.

He took it, bringing it to his nose. It smelled like dust and old ink. Folded in four, one of the sides was covered in a small, slanted handwriting, all done in black pen.

_I have seen you from far away, more than you could ever imagine. This is not written to scare you, that’s not my intention. Because you know me and I know you, even though we don’t have the courage to face our feelings for each other. Writing a letter is probably a cowardly way of ending this torment, but I will accept that._

_One time, I saw a girl picking snails from the wet street, right after the rain had stopped. Everyone knows snails come out after a storm. So there they were, covering it with their backs made out of shells, brown and white, while, from time to time, cars were passing by, smashing them underneath their grey tires. But when they were not passing, that girl was taking them, one by one, placing each and every one on the grass. She did that for a long time. It was almost dawn when she stopped, looking at the street still covered in smashed slimy bodies. For some reason, in that reddish light bursting from behind the trees, it almost seemed like the liquid was blood and in fact, that was no ordinary street. That was a battlefield, with soldiers dead. Unmoving. No more cars passed after that but she kept standing there. I had the impression that she was crying, but from my window, I couldn’t be sure._

_Her shadow was a wide as the street, covering it in darkness. For some reason, that scene felt beautiful in a way. There were just snails and a girl picking them up even though it was useless. They marched to their own deaths and most of them died. Nobody cared that a bunch of snails, but she did._

_I will end this note here since I’ll almost run out of paper._

_Don’t worry, I won’t stop writing you, even though it seems just as pointless as picking snails from a street._

 

Baekhyun folded the note and placed it back between the pages. He smiled, looking out through the window. Someone had forgotten it inside, a short love letter received maybe a long time ago. It made him sigh for some reason, long, emptying his lungs of air.

The bus stopped and he got out, still holding the book. It was almost night and the street lamps were still not switched on. He walked along the sidewalk, measuring his steps, hearing the shoes crinkle over the small stones.

Right in front of him there was the apartment complex; a couple of lighted windows, his was dark.

 

Baekhyun pressed the button on the record player. He threw his hoodie off and closed his eyes, moving his head along the first notes; with his foot, he pressed on the broom on the floor which came flying through the air on the palm of his hand.

 _“Love of my life, you’ve hurt me…”_ he sang, turning around on his heels. _“You've broken my heart and now you leave me.”_

_“Love of my life, can’t you see?”_

Baekhyun stopped, moving the broom from one hand to the other. He sat down on the floor in silence and opened the book again, unfolding the note. But he didn’t read it, just looked at the small, sharp handwriting.

 

“I think…” Baekhyun said, chewing on the end of his pen, “I think I have the lyrics for the song.”

“Really?”

“Yup…”

“Lemme see.”

“Not until it’s finished, stop sneaking. It’s a birthday surprise, for fuck’s sake.” Baekhyun said, folding the paper and placing it back in his bag.

“A surprise that I know about? Isn’t that defeating the whole purpose of a damn surprise?”

“Kyungsoo…old chap.”

He raised an eyebrow as his hand was slowly moving behind Baekhyun, reaching the backpack and then, without seeing what happened, he felt a sharp pain surging through his wrist, pounding harder and harder after the initial shock.

“You freaking idiot! You bit me!” Kyungsoo shouted, waving his hand through the air.

“Keep your mouth shut.” Baekhyun whispered, placing a hand over his lips. “The librarian already hates me from last week.”

“You bit me.”

“Get a shot. I don’t have rabies.”

“How would I know, you freaking dog.” Kyungsoo whispered. “Damn.”

He rubbed the wrist with his fingers, looking from time to time at the reddened indentations in the skin, thin lines, forming a purple circle around the winding vein on his skin.

“What if you really bit me, with blood and everything?”

“Don’t tell me you don’t have a kink for biting. Rawr.” Baekhyun said, scratching with his fingers an imaginary point in the air.

“No, I don’t.” Kyungsoo whispered. “Freaking lyrics.”

“You were trying to cheat so I protected my hard work.”

“Work my ass.”

“You two.”

Baekhyun gulped down, hitting his knee on the table.

“People are trying to study in here…not play games.” the librarian said, stopping right at the edge of the desk with the same type of scratches in it.

_Bite me._

“I heard she’s divorced because her husband couldn’t fuck her from behind.” Baekhyun whispered towards Kyungsoo as she traced the contours of those two words.

“I think she heard you.”

 

 

Baekhyun put the book back on the shelf and picked another one, with a green, scratched cover. A folded paper fell from between its pages and his heart started beating a little bit faster. He bent down and took it, his fingers trembling as he tried to unfold it without tearing it apart; it was yellowed and crinkled already, written all in black ink that was staining the edges.

 

_I wasn’t sure whether or not you’d find it. But I will pretend and hope that you did, because otherwise I would only dwell on it until I couldn’t sleep. Are you smiling right now, reading this? Or do you only find it absurd, scary?_

_Sometimes I should put myself in your shoes._

_Today I don’t have another story to share with you. I simply felt like writing, without being judged for my incapacity of doing it well enough._

_The other day I was thinking that I might exchange loneliness for heart break; those ones you get after the person you loved most, the one you thought you’d see every single day, simply isn’t there anymore for you. I’d rather have that, knowing that at some point, I was loved and I loved as much as I could, than living cold and empty, without that reality sunken into my brain._

_Pain is horrible, but it’s better to feel something than anything at all. This…this is supposed to be a love letter but I’m afraid I’m incapable of expressing my feelings well enough for you._

_I had it all planned in my head but somehow, my pen doesn’t want to listen to me._

Baekhyun folded it back, placed it between the pages and took another book from the shelf. He opened it, shaking it upside down but nothing was flying out of it. The other books were just the same, empty. He sighed, taking a couple of steps back, looking at the shelf.

 

The light switched on. He threw his shoes in a corner and walked over to the kitchen, on the left of the hallway. His feet were sticking to the tiles, echoing through the empty hallway.

“This place is too fucking big…”

Baekhyun took a bar of chocolate and bit a chunk out of it; his teeth suddenly started to hurt but he didn’t stop chewing, as he held the remaining of it in one hand.

“Old chap. What do you say about a pajama party?” he said into the phone, trying to balance the entire bar of chocolate into his mouth at the same time. “We could plat some beer pong. To make up for the biting thing, I’ll pay for everything.”

Some spit was trickling from the corners of his mouth, so he cleaned it with the sleeve of his hoodie and sat down, on the chair. He stared at his hands, and then at the empty packaging on the floor. When had he finished it?

Then, he glanced at his phone. Why wasn’t he coming yet?! He started pacing around the kitchen, breathing in and out, glancing from time to time, outside, through the window. The darkness was sticking to the shining surface as the light bulb resembled a second, brighter moon, hanging right in the middle of the glass, squished at the edges.

Baekhyun walked into the hallway, plunged into a thick blackness. He stepped back into the lighted kitchen. For a moment, it seemed like it smelled like gas.

A knock. He faltered before he ran to the door, closing his eyes.

“What took you so long?”

“What took you so long?” the other said in a thinner voice than his usual. “I don’t fly.”

“Did you get the rabies shot?” Baekhyun asked, winking.

“In your ass.”

“I hate this beer. Pretzels. Did you actually buy instant coffee?”

“You’ll fall asleep halfway through it.” Kyungsoo said, taking the plastic bag from his hands and placing it on the chair. “Why did you actually want me over?”

“You know…”

“Huh?”

“It’s lonely in the apartment.” Baekhyun said. “Like…it’s too big for one person. But it’s perfect for two.”

“Come on, make the coffee.”

“Am I your slave?” he asked, slapping Kyungsoo over the butt.

“It’s the reverse. I cater to all your needs.”

“One moment.” Baekhyun grinned, opening his phone, and after 6 swipes of his fingers on the screen, a song began playing from the speakers. “Cater 2 you…” he whispered, smirking.

 _“Baby I see you working hard…”_ Baekhyun sang along, wrapping both arms around Kyungsoo’s neck, leaning over, towards him. _“I want to let you know I'm proud…”_

“I hope your lyrics aren’t like this…” Kyungsoo laughed as one hand fell on the small of Baekhyun’s back.

“They are better. I know a better song for dancing. Don’t even think about judging.” he said, letting go of him, as he turned around to make two more swipes on the phone. _“I’m soooo into you…I can barely breathe.”_ he whispered, facing him again.

“Baek…” Kyungsoo laughed. “We’re not even drunk yet.”

“Then let’s get drunk.”

Baekhyun pulled the beer bottles from the plastic bag, giving one to Kyungsoo and keeping the second for himself. “Cheers.”

“Cheers.”

He stepped closer to him, wrapping his free hand around his neck again; he took a gulp from the beer and moved his hips slowly as Kyungsoo was drinking from his own bottle.

 _“A little less conversation, and a little more touch my body…”_ Baekhyun sang, biting his lower lip.

He took another gulp, stepping over the other’s foot.

“Are you drunk already?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Shhh…sing with me.” he said, raising his arm up, holding the bottle. _“The temperature's rising in here…_ come on, sing it.”

Kyungsoo shook his head. “I don’t know the lyrics.”

“Oh, come on. _So baby, come light me up and baby I'll let you on it…”_ he whispered, moving his hips again, closer to Kyungsoo’s until he burst into laughter.

“For a music major, you have bad taste.”

“I’m a slut at heart!” Baekhyun laughed, changing the song again. “More on your liking? A little piece of Mr. Beethoven for you?”

“I wasn’t talking about that.”

“But then…?”

“You are almost drunk.” Kyungsoo said, pinching his cheek.

“You asshole!” Baekhyun shouted, but sipped again from the beer. “Then choose. Let’s see what you’ll choose, be my guest.”

“First. Do you still want to play beer pong?”

Baekhyun shook his head.

“Asshole.”

“I said I want a pajama party.”

“You also said that you wanted beer pong.”

“Does it really matter?” Baekhyun asked, sitting down on the chair.

“Asshole.”

 

Baekhyun shifted on the bed until he was facing Kyungsoo.

“Are you asleep?” he whispered, patting his cheek with the cold tips of his fingers; he shivered.

“If I said yes, would you go to sleep?”

“The room is spinning with me.” he whispered. “What about you?”

“A little.” Kyungsoo said, pulling the blanket higher, to cover both of their chins.

“I’m cold.”

Baekhyun moved even closer, jumping on his side, until he was pressed against the other’s body. He breathed in, listening to their heartbeats, feeling the warmth begin to cover his skin in a thin layer.

“Still spinning.”

“Yeah…”

“Do you think we are just holograms that some aliens made because they were bored?”

“Baek…go to sleep. I’m tired and I might puke if you keep talking.” Kyungsoo said.

His breathe smelled of beer and chips with cheese flavor.

“Are you going to puke because of me talking oooor…because you drank too much?”

“Second.” Kyungsoo whispered and stood up from the bed, hitting the edge of the chest placed on the opposite wall. “Fuck. I’m gonna puke, I’m gonna puke.” he mumbled as he ran towards the bathroom.

“Are you dying in there?” Baekhyun yelled after a couple of second.

“False alarm.” Kyungsoo yelled back.

“I’m gonna puke!” Baekhyun said, running through the hallway; he pushed Kyungsoo aside from the toilet, kneeling down in front of it.

He coughed, once, twice, feeling his mouth water as the bile was gathering in his throat, stinging, as it finally reached his mouth; leaning over, he started staring into the blueish water of the toilet. Kyungsoo pulled his hair back, wiping his forehead from time to time with some tissues.

“Thanks…I feel like…I came back from the dead.” he said and fell on his back.

“You’re welcome…is this what Ariana Grande was talking about in her song?”

“I think she was talking about fucking someone…” Baekhyun whispered.

 

He woke up with a dull ache in both sides of his head, while the room was spinning every time he tried to open his eyes and move his body.

“What time is it?” he whispered, his voice sounding hoarse.

“10.”

“Why…are you awake?”

“I forgot to do my essay on freaking Tolstoy.” Kyungsoo said and then, Baekhyun realized that the background noise he had been hearing in his dream, was actually the other typing.

“Are you using my laptop?”

“Sorry. It’s due in like…2 hours.”

“Tolstoy…does Anna Karenina actually die or what?” Baekhyun asked, turning around, on the other side.

“She dies.” Kyungsoo sighed. “I hate this laptop so much…”

“Then don’t use it.”

“Shut up. I just wrote what you said!” Kyungsoo shouted, hitting the keyboard with his fist.

“Fucking jerk!” Baekhyun said, standing up on from the bed, slightly trembling as the mattress was suddenly going around in circles and Kyungsoo’s body was all of the sudden not static, but spinning together with the wall behind his back.

“You’re the bigger one!” Kyungsoo yelled as Baekhyun shut the door to the bathroom close and leaned over the washing machine.

 

Baekhyun stopped in front of a shelf and looked at all the books, moving his fingers along their covers, tracing a line through the dust on the surface. He coughed and stopped on the one in the middle.

“Please don’t have a note, please don’t have a note…”

A white piece of paper fell down, exactly on his shoes, as he shuffled through it. The same small, pointy handwriting was covering one side.

 

_My last letter to you, as much as I can recall any of it, was an embarrassment. Hopefully you didn’t mind it that much. I sure do, for both of us._

_Days have been getting cold, haven’t they? And so dark. I miss you, every single day, as I always do. You can’t even imagine how much I want touch you right now, feel your arms around my body, as the first time. Always on my mind._

_Why can’t things be simpler?_

“What are you reading?”

“Nothing.” Baekhyun said, closing the book; he slipped the note in his pocket and placed the novel back on the shelf.

“I don’t get why you insist on borrowing books? Is it because Kyungsoo reads a lot and you feel the need to match up with that?”

“I like reading, Jongdae. It’s as simple as that.”

“If you say so.” he shrugged. “Anyways, how are you…?”

“Fine. I’m borrowing this.” Baekhyun said, grabbing the book in the corner.

“My question needs a longer answer. Your ‘fine’ means I feel like crap but I don’t want to tell you that.”

They started walking, out of the circular room, back into the hallway with the coffee splotch desk, where the same librarian was staring at him, with her small, rodent eyes.

“My fine means just that. Fine.”

“Why are you like this?” Jongdae asked, leaning over the desk with his elbows.  

“Well, have you thought that when someone says just fine, he wants to remains at just fine?” Baekhyun said, giving the book to the woman who pushed the golden framed glasses higher on her nose.

He sighed, looking around and then at the other.

“I’ve been feeling a little bit down. That’s all.”

“That’s not exactly fine in my book.”

“Look,” he said, taking the book and placing it in his backpack, “if I needed counseling, I would have asked you, oh mighty Psychology major. But I don’t.”

“Ha-ha.” Jongdae said. “The sole reason you are worse than usual it’s because you don’t want to talk about what upsets you.”

“How deep.”

“Seriously. It’s in the books. Read about it for my test.”

“I’ll shove those books down your throat. I don’t need to talk about anything with anybody.” Baekhyun said. “It’s so cold.” he whispered, rubbing his hands together as round strips of vapor were escaping his mouth.

Jongdae shrugged. “Did you get Kyungsoo a present?”

“I’m making him a song. I’ve wrote the lyrics and I’m halfway with the rest…”

“Good. Is it a love song?”

“It’s a song. Shut up.” Baekhyun said, stepping over his shoe.

“What was that for?”

“To learn when to shut up.”

 

Baekhyun turned on the bed, placing the guitar on his lap and then down on the floor. Then, he picked it up again and put it down right afterwards.

“Come in!” he shouted when he heard a knock at the door. “It’s open.”

He took the guitar again, lying it on the bed.

“Happy birthday!” Baekhyun said, jumping up and wrapping both arms around Kyungsoo’s neck.  “Happy-happy-happy birthday!” he continued, kissing him on both cheeks. “Don’t expect much from the song…it’s just…I don’t think any of my teachers would like it.”

Kyungsoo laughed, patting him on the back.

“You keep talking but I haven’t heard it yet.”

“Okay. Just…sit down.” he said, taking the guitar from the bed. “Uhm…” he coughed, “ _Yeah woo uh woo uh. Nananana dadadada.”_ Baekhyun sang, not looking at Kyungsoo. _“You'll love me forever. That’s what you said, that's what you said to me…”_

The other smiled, sliding the chair on the floor to sit closer to him. Baekhyun took a short break, giving him a quick glance, before he continued with the next verse.

_“…I'm still waiting for you, my heart will always…Draw you in like gravity.”_

Kyungsoo placed a hand on his knee, and Baekhyun flinched, almost dropping the guitar on the floor. He laughed, squeezing the flesh a little.

“It’s short and terrible and…yeah…why don’t you say anything…?” Baekhyun asked, looking at him. “Was it so bad?”

He shook his head. “It was actually the best song I’ve ever heard.”

“Liar. It’s not.” Baekhyun laughed.

“Among the best, then.”

“Not even that…”

“Shut up.” Kyungsoo said, pinching his cheek. “If I didn’t know you better, I would have thought that you were trying to hit on me with this song…”

“I wasn’t.”

“I know. I brought donuts and Cola. No more beer for you.” Kyungsoo laughed.

“Happy birthday…” he whispered again, taking the small box from the other’s hands.

“I got a 9 on that essay.”

“Really?”

“Yup…and guess what? Last night, Sehun had sex with Joy.”

“Are you…”

“In his car, on some hill outside the town.” Kyungsoo said, taking a bite from the donut.

“That’s…”

“I’m not shocked but it’s so…”

“Soon?”

“Yup.”

“I wish I did that.”

“You pervert.”

“Don’t tell me you didn’t think about it just one bit.” Baekhyun said, shifting closer to lean over his shoulder. “Just a little.”

“Only a little.”

“I knew it…so I’m not the only pervert in this room.”

 

Baekhyun stirred awake from his sleep, feeling his nose stuffy and cheeks wet and sticky at the same time. His chest was still shuddering.

“Fuck.” he whispered, touching the pillow case; it was damp and cold, right where his head had been.

“Are you alright?”

“Why aren’t you asleep?”

“Insomnia.” Kyungsoo said, turning around.

Baekhyun shifted on his side, hugging him as he took a deep breathe in. “I cried again...”

“Oh…”

Kyungsoo brushed his fingers through his hair, slowly, until Baekhyun’s grip on his t-shirt became soft. He looked down at his face, at the traces of tears dried up on his cheeks, slightly glistening in the orange light emitted by the night lamp on his side table. His eyelashes fluttered as he opened his eyes.

“Why are you staring at me…?”

“You’re better to look at than the pillow.” Kyungsoo said.

“Am I that pretty…?” Baekhyun whispered.

“Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

He moved closer, pressing his head against the other’s chest. “You know…my father is sending me texts everyday…”

“Isn’t that good? He cares…”

“Because mom makes him do it. If it were up to him, he would talk to me for Christmas and Easter only. I mean…that’s a stretch too…”

Kyungsoo sighed, brushing his fingers again through his hair.

“Why can’t he just…stop?”

“But then you’ll be angry he doesn’t call.”

“At least it won’t be fake.” he sighed, kissing the clothed shoulder of the other.

 

Baekhyun dropped the book on the floor, looking from one side to the other. But the room was empty, except for him. Inside, between two crumpled pages he found another note; but the handwriting was different, still slanted, but lighter, in blue ink, with a couple of irregular splotches on the sides. He smelled it; cigarette smoke and women’s sweet cologne, still impregnated in the fibers.

 

_I’m afraid you won’t be able to find this. Unlike you, I’m not good with words or expressing my feelings. But they are there, for you, I’ve always had them as I have always loved you, in one way or another. I suppose the feeling that I’ve always associated with you is love. In all its forms. The letters from you make my heart burst with happiness. Can you believe it?!_

_I’ve already eaten the candy from you. Is that bad?_

_Don’t ever stop brushing your fingers through my hair. I miss it, already. I miss you. I will always miss you. Why can’t you be here, with me? Why have I realized so late that what I feel for you is love and not anything else?!_

Baekhyun dropped the note on the floor, at his feet.

“Why are you throwing trash in my library?!” the same woman said, walking towards him.

She grabbed the piece of paper and crumpled it in her fist. “From now on…from now on…” she whispered.

“I swear it only fell from this book.” Baekhyun said, shaking his head. “You know what? Fuck it, you and your fucking library.”

She turned around, staring at his back, while he ran out of the room, into the hallway and then, outside into the January cold.

“What’s with those fucking letters…?”

 

He took the jar filled with candies and looked at it, turning it around in the light coming from the window.

“Candies?” Baekhyun asked, placing it on the piano.

“Oh, come on, don’t act like you don’t like them. Plus, you can put your coins in the jar.” Kyungsoo grinned, unscrewing the golden lead. “One?” he asked, but without waiting, he placed one jelly worm between the other’s lips.

 _“Oh baby, look what you started…”_ Baekhyun said, while chewing the candy. “A frog for you.”

Kyungsoo bit the round tip of the green frog, letting it hang down from between his front teeth.

 _“The temperature's rising in here.”_ Baekhyun continued, stepping a little closer.

“Isn’t what she does in the music video?” Kyungsoo asked, after he swallowed it.

“What does she do…?”

“Share a gummy with the dude. I’ve watched it last night.” he laughed.

“Oh…” Baekhyun said, rubbing the back of his neck. “You wanted me to…”

“I was making fun of you. You should have seen your expression, Ariana Small.”

“Why small, you jerk?” he asked while he kicked him in one butt cheek.

“Because you are small.” Kyungsoo laughed.

 _“Been waiting and waiting for you to make a move…”_ Baekhyun sang, touching a clap on the piano afterwards.

“Really?”

“Tell me,” he said, sitting down at the piano, “why did Anna Karenina kill herself?”

“You are changing the subject.”

“Am I?”

Baekhyun looked back at him and then right at the white and black keys in front of him.

“Really…she feels like death is the only solution to find an end to the sad circumstances of her life…but right before she dies, she realizes that she made a mistake.”

“Isn’t that sad?” Baekhyun asked. “Be on the edge of death and regret it…go with that to the grave…”

“Would you do that?” Kyungsoo said and Baekhyun stopped from touching the piano keys.

“Throw myself in front of a train? I’m more of a truck kind of person. Stop the traffic…have people cease from whatever they were doing and run to you, white and surrounded by red on the asphalt, feels dramatic.” he said, starting to play again. “I love this part.”

“Baek…” Kyungsoo whispered.

“Give me a spider this time.”

He took one from the jar and placed it right between Baekhyun’s lips. His teeth bit into his finger, hard enough to not be able to remove it from his mouth. But Kyungsoo didn’t say anything as Baekhyun let go of it and started chewing the gummy while the melody was playing in the background.

 

Kyungsoo was hunched over the laptop, on the small bed with flowery sheets.

“Seriously dude, it smells like shit in here!” someone yelled, closing the door with a hard thud that reverberated through the walls.

“Then clean.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.” Kyungsoo said, looking up at him. “I’m tired of cleaning after your fucking mess!”

“Would you just stop it…?” Baekhyun said.

“Not until he cleans this shit.” Kyungsoo said, returning his attention to the white screen; he pushed a couple of keys and then sighed, mumbling something underneath his breath.

“Did I miss the party?!” another shouted voice, the closed door, making some paint fall down from the spot in the wall right next to the hinges.

“This is not a kennel!” Kyungsoo said, throwing a book in the direction of the newcomer.

“Calm your tits, dude. You almost hit me in the dick!”

“You deserve it. You and Jongdae are some fucking dirty pigs.”

“Watch your mouth!” the other shouted.

“Really? There’s your fucking hair in the bathtub, small, curly? Sounds familiar?” Kyungsoo asked, closing the laptop.

“Your boy here is pissy. Maybe he’s on his period. Or menopause.” Jongdae laughed, looking at Baekhyun who was standing on the top bed, the one in front of Kyungsoo’s.  “Take care of his needs.”

“Shut up!” Baekhyun laughed.

“Yeah, you shut up.”

“Sehun, for fuck’s sake, clean your fucking hair. I’m going to puke at this rate.” Kyungsoo said, closing the laptop.

He stood up from the bed, pacing around the other who hadn’t moved from the spot in front of the door.

“Make me. But you are a coward.” Sehun said and then, after one thud and loud whine, it was silent.

“Shit!”

“Shit?! You broke my fucking nose!” Sehun yelled, his right hand covered in blood, placed over the center of his face.

“This deserves a freaking photo.” Jongdae said, jumping from his bed. “Where the heck did I put my phone?”

“I’m taking you to the hospital.” Kyungsoo whispered. “Where are my car keys?”

“Here.” Baekhyun said, dangling them in the air. “Left them in my pocket.”

“Damn…you should go home…this will take some time.” he said, brushing his fingers through his hair that was raising up in all directions.

“Sure.” Baekhyun said, jumping on the floor. “Home…”

 

He sat on the bed, staring at the black ceiling; cold air was being blown by the wind through the hinges of the door, right over his bare arms.

Baekhyun sighed, turning around, on his side. He checked the phone. 3:30 am. A siren, right in the distance, growing closer and closer and then further and further away.

He stood up and walked out of the room, stopping in front of the piano, near the wall separating the two rooms.

But it was too dark to see anything, so he just sat there, standing up, beginning to shake from all his bones; he didn’t move, as his eyes adjusted and the keys were clearer in his mind.

“Fuck…” he whispered.

 

The day was gloomy, dark, damp, as the fog was lazily rising from the hilltop, right into the sky, merging with the clouds. His nostrils were burning, walking faster and faster, with his jacket wide open.

He stopped, near the brick wall, where two other people were smoking, protected from the small drops of rain.

“Have one for me?” Baekhyun asked.

“Sure.”

“Why did they put the examination on Monday morning?” the girl asked, puffing out a cloud of smoke.

“It’s better for me. Then I can go to my new job.” the guy said with a grin.

“Where?” Baekhyun asked.

“At a recording studio. Had an interview the other week and they loved me. They said I had the talent.” he said, throwing the cigarette butt on the ground; it fell in a puddle, right at their feet and Baekhyun looked at his own blurry reflection in the water.

“Omg, Junmyeon!” the girl said, looking at him. “That is amazing!”

“Monday is the first day. Even the pay is great.” Junmyeon said. “2000.”

“Great.” Baekhyun smiled, letting his cigarette fall right next to the other. “I’m glad for you.”

“Truly.” the girl said, hugging Junmyeon.

 

Baekhyun took the first book that he saw and opened it. Another piece of paper flew out of it, stopping right on the shelf in front of him. The handwriting was the small, slanted one, all written in black ink. His fingers started shaking holding it as he kept looking around; but the hallway was empty.

 

 

_Your letter made me so happy, you cannot believe it. I miss you every single day._

_Today something peculiar happened to me, not in the sense that it was out of the ordinary; but it was more about all the feelings that it stirred inside me, especially afterwards, when I tried to recall it._

_I found a park, a couple of miles away from home, small and retreated between two cobblestone roads, on each side tall, white houses with red flowers on the porches and at the windows. There was no one then, so quiet, spreading ahead of me, parched grass and colorful swings with a carrousel right in the middle. For some reason, I couldn’t stop feeling strange, looking at those five horses, one after another. Still, waiting for something. It was like the entire park was on guard, breathing slowly, watching the intruders. I was one of them._

_On another carrousel, at the edge of it, there was a woman, maybe in her 40’s, sitting on one of the blue carrousel seats, spinning counter clock wise._

_There were a couple of benches too, so I sat down on one, and opened my book, Anna Karenina. Do you remember that night when I used your laptop and I got a 9 on the essay?_

_So I kept on reading, looking up from time to time, when I saw, right behind my bench, a man walking alongside two big dogs. And then, out of nowhere, the man started shouting and the dogs barking so loudly that all the other dogs in the neighborhood followed them. He was hitting them with a hat, yelling harder and harder. I stood up and walked towards the slide, going up the stairs to the top of it._

_For some reason, the dogs suddenly ran away, in the other direction, but so strong was the noise that I thought there were more with them, and there I was, in the middle of the park, on top of a slide, waiting. My legs were trembling, my heart was beating so fast, looking after them, as they were barking at a dog behind a fence. They ran back to the park and inside my head I knew it would be over if they had seen me. But they didn’t._

_The rest is not extremely interesting. Some neighbors caught them as they had escaped from another yard. But the moment remained in my mind, the quietness of the park, that woman and the man and those dogs, shouting and barking._

_This is not a very pleasant letter, is it? But I felt the need to share this with you._

Baekhyun tucked it into his pocket as he put the book back on the shelf, where he had found it.  He walked outside the library, with small steps, pushing the gate with both hands. Outside it was snowing.

“Shit…” he whispered, running towards the bus stop, still thinking about everything written in the note.

 

Baekhyun sat down on the bed, watching Jongdae cut his toe nails on the chair in front of the only window in the entire room.

“You are gross.” Kyungsoo said. “There’s the bathroom.”

“It’s warmer in here.” the other shrugged.

“Clean your mess, you fucking idiot!”

Jongdae poked the tongue at him and continued with the second foot.

“You won’t believe what happened today to me.” Kyungsoo said, glancing over at Baekhyun.

“Let me guess…you went to a park and 2 dogs starting barking at a man.”

“Exactly!”

“I’m telepathic.” Baekhyun said, trying to laugh, but it sounded fake in his ears so he stopped.

“How did you know?”

He shrugged, staring at the wooden boards above his head. “I don’t know…guessed.”

Kyungsoo stood up from his spot, and sat next to him on the bed. “Maybe you are…telepathic.”

“Shut up.”

“It was scary.”

“Probably.”

“Why are you like this?” Kyungsoo asked, hovering over him.

“You are alive and in one piece.”

“Well…and if I weren’t?”

“But you are.” Baekhyun said, looking at him as his fingers were tangled in the bottom of his shirt. “Cuddle me?”

He turned on the other side, pressing his back against Kyungsoo’s chest; pulling his arm over his middle, Baekhyun sighed.

“I’m still here!” Jongdae shouted. “Don’t do any funny business under the blanket.”

“If you don’t clean those, I’ll make you eat them for breakfast.” Kyungsoo said, throwing the blanket over their bodies.

“Shhh…”Baekhyun whispered.

“What?”

“I want to sleep…and you are making it difficult.”

“I might have a nightmare tonight.” Kyungsoo said in his ear.

“No…you won’t.” Baekhyun giggled. “Because I’m here…”

He yawned, shifting even closer.

“So you’ll be my guardian angel or what?”

“Whatever you want me to.”

 

He woke up, still in Kyungsoo’s arms, feeling the need to pee. But he didn’t stand up and go to the bathroom, just laid there, lightly tracing the contours of the other’s fingers underneath the blanket. Someone yawned and the mattress creaked on the other side of the room.

“Still asleep?” Kyungsoo whispered to him.

“Not really…”

“I have classes.” he said, but didn’t move.

“Me too…”

“Lovebirds. Wake up.” Jongdae said, throwing a pillow in their direction, which landed exactly on their heads. “Come on. You know the kitchen gets crowded at 8.”

“I’m grabbing something from school.” Kyungsoo said and threw the pillow on the floor.

“Asshole! I’m sleeping on that.”

“Your loss.” he laughed, standing up.

“We have a faculty concert tonight.” Baekhyun said.

He stretched for a little, waiting for the other to answer. But Sehun spoke instead: “Is there free food?”

“No!”

“Then I’m not coming.”

“Me neither. I have a date, lovebird.” Jongdae said.

“What time?” Kyungsoo asked.

“At-“

“Wear that blue sweater. Lovebird here told me that you look hot in blue!”

“Asshole!” Baekhyun yelled, jumping from the bed. “Freaking asshole! I was drunk that time!” he continued, kicking him in the shins.

“It hurts!”

“I’ll have a headache.” Sehun mumbled.

“You are a headache for humanity.” Kyungsoo sneered. “What hour?”

“7.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” Baekhyun smiled.

“OKAY!” Jongdae said. “Now, can I eat, lovebirdies? I can’t use the kitchen so I’ll have to eat salami and butter.”

“Who the heck eats salami and butter?” Sehun asked, putting on a pair of red boxers over his otherwise naked body.

Baekhyun stared at him, starting from his bare torso down to the curve of his ass, which was barely fitted by the tight material. Kyungsoo coughed, glancing somewhere else, until his eyes landed on Jongdae, sitting at the table, while buttering a big slice of salami.

“You’re disgusting.”

“It’s a nutritious meal. Lovebird, stop staring. Sehun has just one monster dick.”

“Shut up!” Baekhyun shouted.

 

“Are you actually mad at me?” he asked, as he was running after Kyungsoo down the path which was trailing from the front door of the dorm to the green gate.

“No. I’m in a hurry.”

“Is it because of what Jongdae said? You know he’s stupid.” Baekhyun said, grabbing his wrist. “I mean…he was changing in front of us…it’s not like that was a crime.”

“I said I’m not mad.” Kyungsoo said and brushed his hand away.

“Then why do you avoid me?”

“I’m not avoiding you. I’m just in a hurry.”

“I’m sorry…I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to look at your friend almost naked. Next time, write it down in the invisible contract we have. It would be more helpful!” Baekhyun said, stopping right in front of the gate to watch Kyungsoo walk further and further away from him. “Great…”

 

The hall was crowded with people he hadn’t seen before, as the bright lights above his head were causing his forehead to be covered in drops of sweat, that after a while, were trailing down the bridge of his nose, exactly on his lips; sometimes in his eyes too, lined with black kohl and dusted with a bit of golden eyeshadow.

Kyungsoo was nowhere.

He paced around, nodding from time to time at some familiar faces, as more and more people were coming inside.

“Are you ready?” a voice asked.

“Yeah…sure.” he smiled, patting the sweat away with a tissue from his pocket.

“Waiting for someone?”

“Yeah, a friend. But I guess he won’t be coming after all.” he sighed, looking back one more time.

But the doors closed and his throat hurt, as a knot started forming inside of it.

“Come on. We must awe them.”

“Yeah…”

“Junmyeon!” a feminine voice shouted.

“That’s my mom.” he whispered to Baekhyun.

“Oh, then I’ll just…go…”

The piano was right in the middle of the stage, as he climbed up the stairs and pushed the burgundy curtains aside. He touched it with the tips of his fingers, feeling them charge with a current that was travelling faster and faster, up his arm, stopping in his chest. For a couple of moments he felt like he couldn’t breathe, staring at the drapes that minutes after were about to lift and all that mass of people would then be staring at him. One wrong key and he knew the show would be over for him.

“Luck!” someone patted him on the back.

“Same…” he whispered.

His stomach grumbled, loudly, and the person next to him threw him a short lived glance, before he sat down at the piano. He watched the curtains raise, swishing from one side to the other, while on the other side, everyone was still talking.

Baekhyun patted his forehead again, closing his eyes. He breathed in and out, in and out, long inhales, until his lungs were almost hurting; but his heart was beating just as fast.

“Where are you…?” he whispered.

 

The library was quiet, as he walked between the aisles until he stopped in front of the History section, a dusty part in the back of the building. He picked the first book that he saw and opened it. The pages almost flipped at their own accord and, right in the middle, there was the same white note, folded in four.

He breathed in and opened it.

 

_I’m sorry I couldn’t be there but you cannot even imagine how angry I was when I saw you looking at him in that way. There I was, watching you gaze him up and down like I didn’t even exist._

_I came back for you, and that was all that I could see._

_Undoubtedly, I am unfair to you since we have never agreed upon anything. I never made you any request and you didn’t either. But for some reason, I have always felt like we had a tacit accord, something deeper than words that made us behave a certain way._

_That day, you broke it without even realizing, and, as wrong as I might have been, I felt wounded by it._

_You have your way of crawling straight into my heart with the most insignificant gestures and mannerisms, which have always made me think that you want more. But afterwards, like a counterattack, you brush away all of that._

_I am cruel and unfair to you, sinking in my own jealousy, because, after all, you have all the freedom to do anything that you want. At the same time, I don’t want you to. I want you to be all mine._

Right underneath the first note there was a second one, written in blue ink. He recognized the handwriting as the one from before.

 

_I’m not sure how to feel. Maybe if you weren’t that cold, we could have talked it out; but instead you chose to remain quiet and sulk. What was I supposed to do?_

_Beg you? Fall at your feet, asking for forgiveness? You didn’t come to my recital. Was that your way of punishing me?_  


Baekhyun closed the book and took a step back, hiding the notes in the pockets of his jacket.

 

“Read those.” Baekhyun said, throwing a handful of crumpled papers on the table.

“What is this?”

“Just read them all and then tell me whether or not you find them odd.” he said, sitting down on the chair, in front of him.

He watched him read them, one by one, sometimes stalling, giving a glance to Baekhyun who would only nod in response. After a while, all of them were back in the same pile in the middle of the table, as he was looking at Baekhyun’s intertwined fingers.

“Where are these from?”

“Books…from the library.”

“And you’ve…found them, just like that?” he asked.

“Just like that. Doesn’t everything sound so familiar to you too? The snail story? You told me about it in 10th grade. The candy, my recital, you sulking. It’s all in there, and I didn’t write any of that.” Baekhyun said, folding them back, one by one.

“Well…that’s not my handwriting.”

“Not mine either.”

“It’s just a coincidence.” he shrugged, letting out a yawn.

“Quite a big one.”

“Baek…”

“Kyungsoo…”

“Stop going to that library.” he sighed. “And burn those. It’s like…they…just get rid of them and stop going there just to find one.”

“What if these two existed hundreds of years ago?”

“The language is too modern for them to be that old. Maybe 20th century old. Maximum.” Kyungsoo said. “Read a book by Charlotte Bronte and then see the difference in language. This is too fluid and the words are quite ordinary.”

“Still…it’s creepy.” Baekhyun said, trembling.

“That’s why you should burn them and why did you keep this a secret from me for so long?”

“Because…are you still upset?”

“No…” Kyungsoo shook his head.

“Good. I did well on the recital.” Baekhyun said, looking at is finger nails.

“I’m sorry.”

“Shut up or I’ll be the one getting mad.”

“You can like Sehun…” Kyungsoo whispered.

“But I don’t like Sehun. Not like that, anyways.”

“Okay…”

“Okay…”

 

Kyungsoo watched the flames slowly cover the papers, turning the edges black and crumbly as a thin strip of smoke was raising towards the black sky.

“You are crazy.” Baekhyun laughed.

“Well, I’m getting rid of these. It is creepy.” the other shrugged, using a stick to stir them so that the flames could cover them all at the same time.

“What if…we are soulmates or something?” Baekhyun asked, sitting on his back on the thin layer of snow.

“What if you are cursed? Have you thought about that? And now you bring me into your bad luck life too.”

“Maybe you’ll bring bad luck by burning them. What if I find more?” Baekhyun asked.

“You won’t because you’ll stop going to that library.”

“The letter said you are jealous.” he said, poking the side of his thigh.

“I’m not…jealous.” Kyungsoo huffed, throwing the stick on the ground.

“Sure you aren’t.”

“Do you seriously believe in what those notes said?”

He laid down next to him, covering his hand with his own.

“Well, you sure burn them, so they must scare you too.” Baekhyun said, glancing at him with a small smirk on his lips.

“Did I say they don’t scare me?”

“I mean…I like you being jealous, it’s kind of hot, you know?”

“Hot? You were mad because I was mad because-“

“I’m cold, just finish burning those and let’s get inside. Enough with curses and crap. I want some hot chocolate.”

Baekhyun stood up, pulling Kyungsoo with him too. They watched the papers burn for a while, until they all turned black and the small fire finally died, as he threw some snow over it with the tip of his boot.

 

 _“I'm so into you, I can barely breathe…”_ Baekhyun sang, sitting on the countertop in the kitchen.

“Not that song again.” Kyungsoo laughed.

“This can be our song.”

“Ours, huh?” he asked, raising an eyebrow/

_“And all I wanna do is to fall in deep…”_

“Really” he asked.

“Really…”

Kyungsoo smiled, walking closer to him. “Is this good enough?” he asked, placing both hands on his knees. Baekhyun shook his head. “Then…this?”

His lips brushed past his, quickly, barely felt.

“Don’t tease me…what if the curse comes back or something?”

Kyungsoo laughed again, squeezing his flesh through the jeans. “Then we shouldn’t waste any time, right?” Kyungsoo asked, capturing his bottom lip in his mouth and letting it go with a pop.

“Hey…” Baekhyun whispered, wrapping his legs around the other’s middle.

 

He threw the note on the floor and left the library, feelings his lungs catch on fire while running through the falling snow.

 

_I’ll make you suffer for hurting me…_

 

The paper caught on flames, starting from the edges until it covered it whole in red and blue fires, that after a couple of moments stopped, leaving a black, warm indentation all over the small handwritting. A face made out of two black eyes with yellow irises and a mouth, smiling with sharp teeth. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> comments are well loved:)
> 
> the ending...not sure whether or not i like it. at some point i wanted to introduce some magic into it but it felt...not right? but maybe there is some magic after all, or something along the lines, as the last "note" might signify the fact that the writer of those letters is aware that baekhyun burnt all of them and whoever that was wants revenge?  
> IDK. IDK.
> 
> P.S. i added a small fragment at the end of it as i felt like everything wasn't clear enough.


End file.
